How to be a helpful friend
We’ve all seen it- a friend posts on social media that they are going through a rough time. Perhaps they are struggling with illness, or the loss of a loved one. Perhaps it’s a financial struggle. Immediately the comments roll in: “I’m so sorry. Call me if you need anything.” “Let me know if I can help.” “I’m here for you.”
At first glance, it might seem that this friend is showered with support and help. The comments and offers to help are most likely sincere and come from good intentions. Yet if we were to look deeper, we might face the hard truth that these friends fell short in their efforts to be a helpful friend. For every encouraging comment, there are dozens more friends or acquaintances who read the post, but didn't say anything because they didn't know what to say. Or they talked themselves out of helping because surely there must be others who are closer, or have something more unique to say. It is often this paralysis that prevents people with good intentions from following through on those intentions and actually being helpful.
“OK Grinch…” you might be thinking. “Why are you criticizing people who are just trying to help?”
That’s just the point. They are trying to help, and chances are if you’ve stumbled upon this blog that you are trying to be a helpful friend too. So let’s examine how to take that genuine care and concern and make it more effective and actionable.
The main issue with the messages described is that it puts all of the responsibility back on the person you are trying to help. It basically says “tell me when you need me and what you need from me.” Maybe your friend doesn’t know what she needs. Maybe she is hesitant to ask for help. Maybe she is so overwhelmed that she doesn’t have the ability to step back and think of what might lighten her load. Maybe she is afraid to ask you for a bigger favor than you had intended to offer. Most likely, it is all of the above.
The first step to being a helpful friend is to take the responsibility for receiving help off your friend and onto you. This means coming up with some specific ways that you can be helpful and directly offering to do them. The next step is to follow up and make sure they get done. Be specific with your offer and then follow through.
Taking responsibility for helping does not mean bossing your friend around. Calling her up and announcing: “I’m bringing you a roast chicken on Wednesday at 7pm” or “I’m taking your kids on Friday morning for 2 hours” might be a little too specific.
(For a list of ways to offer your help, see our post here)
Try to offer your suggestions in a way that still keeps things flexible to ensure they meet her actual needs. Think of them more as conversation starters rather than proclamations. “I’d really like to do something for you and I was thinking of bringing you dinner or watching your kids sometime this week. Would that help you?” Then maybe mention a few of your go-to dishes or throw out some potential dates to see how she responds.
Be prepared for a hesitant response or even a no. Receiving help is not always easy. A hesitant response could very well mean that your friend doesn’t want to burden you. In this case, a few more nudges might do the trick. Explain that you are already cooking and it is very easy to double your recipe, for example. But if you meet genuine resistance, this is not the time to refuse to take no for an answer. It’s possible that your offer is not actually helpful for your friend. Maybe she’s got a thing about reheating food, or maybe she will worry about her kids while they are away instead of taking the time to relax. Whatever the reason, keep in mind that your aim is to help your friend and not to make yourself feel better, so don’t push it.
(For more ideas, see our tips on how to organize a meal train that your friend actually wants to eat.)
Even if your friend doesn’t take you up on your immediate offer to help, that doesn’t mean you haven’t been a helpful friend. Continue to check in with her and let her know that your offers still stand and let her know that you are happy to help out in other ways. Sometimes just listening and getting updates will give you new ideas of where you can pitch in. Once you’ve opened the conversation, she is more likely to ask you for specific help when she’s ready. And just the knowledge that she has a friend actively offering to help as needed will be helpful and reassuring in itself.
In summary:
1.Do Something. Even if you don't know what to do or say, put something out there.
2. Be specific in your offer, yet keep it flexible so it can morph into the most helpful.
3. Follow-up
Check out our other articles for specific ideas and more advice.